It wasn't until I began surviving on two or three hours of sleep a night that I began to understand how child abuse happens. Prior to having children, nothing could have been more alien to me than the notion that anyone would even consider harming a child. But a few months into parenthood, having never had gotten more than a few hours of sleep at a stretch, I remember curling up in a fetal position on my bed listening to my inconsolable baby screaming in the next room. Oh, I would have given my left arm (and I'm left-handed, mind you), for maybe five or six hours of silence. Five or six hours of sleep. Fortunately, I'm a relatively stable person. Even bleary-eyed and on the brink of madness, I had enough sense to pick up the phone and call for help. I can't take it anymore! I wept to my husband. I'm a horrible mother! My problem wasn't that I was a horrible mother, of course. On the contrary, it was that I was trying to be too good of a mother. I never wanted to let my poor, vulnerable baby girl cry. I never wanted her to have a moment of discomfort. I never wanted to be like the cruel and heartless parents that are, whether real or imagined, the parents of generations past. I wanted to be an empathetic mother. It's a mentality that's popular with parents of my generation. Attachment Parenting, some call it, as coined by the famous Dr. Sears. People who carry, sleep with, and respond to their children regardless of circumstance. And for some people, it works. Others, however, end up curled up in a fetal position, cradling a phone and begging for respite from anyone who might respond. The first night I decided to let my baby cry, she was about six months old. We were going to Ferberize her. My husband, who incidentally can sleep through the screams of a baby, wasn't completely comfortable with the idea, but I gave him a choice; a crying baby, or a wife who runs screaming to the nearest mental health facility. Fortunately, he made the correct choice. It took three nights, but it worked like a charm. I would wake up in the morning after a good six or seven hours of sleep, hollering praises to the Almighty in gratitude for the mercy showered upon me. I'm not here to endorse the lauded Ferber Method. In fact, this was not the end of our sleep issues. But it was the end of me feeling guilty for being a parent that doesn't cater to my child's whims, even at the expense of my own sanity and well-being.
The sleep issues have continued, on and off, through the years. That precious baby is almost four now, with a one-year-old baby sister. We've seen our share of sleep issues, from demanding toddlers to night terrors and more. I've learned to approach these hurdles as they come with a blend of both empathy and practicality. With balance. Sometimes there are tears or consequences, but more often than not, with commitment and a guilt-free conscious, we've managed our way into a bedtime routine that everyone loves. Forget all the heated opinions about Ferber and co-sleeping, Ezzo and the "No Cry Sleep Solution". You're the parent. Whatever it is, you need to do what works. It's what's best for you, and best for your child. The bottom line is, everyone's happier when everyone sleeps. To those who have asked me for any specific book recommendation, I always recommend Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Weissbluth, who not only shares my philosophy, but will also outline to you exactly why it is in the best interest of your child's physical and neurological health to sleep properly. Just in case you're feeling guilty. |
