A few days ago, I started to receive emails here and there from an unrecognized, strangely nicknamed person from somewhere in the far reaches of cyberspace. My spam filters are pretty good and since I rarely receive spam, I wondered how this seemingly anonymous person could muster up my first name in the subject line. Needless to say, I deleted it. Another similar email came to yet another email address of mine. Like many of us today I have more than a few different email addresses, again my name and intriguingly: "Is this you?" in the subject line. This email address isn't widely used but for a few friends and family so this little viagra or bad credit refinance spammer was apparently being far too thorough. I opened it and discovered it was an ex girlfriend I had a relationship with about 18 years ago. How nice. How scary. How odd. This person had contacted me using every publicly available email address and seemed to really, really want to talk. Let the blast from the past begin. My first thought was that I would possibly receive an introduction to my heretofore unknown child, now a teenager, asking to meet their long-lost father. With a sigh of relief, the next email I received did not contain such revelations but rather a warm hello and how do you do. How do I do? After 18 years of anonymity I was now the subject of a reminisce. The Internet, while simultaneously shrinking the world of public opinion and instant access to information had also become an avenue for various skeletons in our closets. Like some of us, I do not readily hide myself on the Internet, after all I publish dating and relationship articles like these all over the place. Relationships end when the two parties decide (for whatever reason) they are not right for each other. Thankfully, this particular ex has a little tact and style. Instead of bringing up painful memories or showing me how much better she is doing than me in life or love, she was simply tapping my shoulder to see where my path had taken me. All in all, not a terrible thing. What was not expected, was to lift these emotions off the shelf I had put them on so many years ago, dust them off, and give them a thorough revisiting. I had put that relationship away many years ago, apparently like a lot of us, I hadn't dealt with the feelings I had left behind until now. Let me tell you, those feelings stay right where you left them. I found myself dealing with emotions I literally haven't thought of since the day we broke up. I also soon remembered what it was that attracted me to her. Now after 2 weeks of light internet chatting, I am fairly resolved NOT to meet her. I am afraid that meeting her will magically teleport me back into loving her and after all, hadn't I been there before? Could things change? Would I date her again? These are things I was not willing or prepared to think about. Now, with her reappearance, I find myself faced with new issues and feelings. Luckily she caught me single. What if I was married or had a current girlfriend? She might be angry, suspicious, or jealous that an old flame had contacted me. So now there would have been another unexpected situation I would be forced to deal with. Was it rude for her to connect with me? No, I dont think so, I am a fairly open person. After all she and I were in love at one time. What if it were a different ex that had contacted me? There are certainly ex girlfriends I would NOT want to reconnect with. So in this regard I was lucky again. The Internet has made connecting and re-connecting far easier than ever before. In fact it is now effortless, but the question I beg is should we contact old flames just because it is easy to do so? We have to think about the other person's life and the effect it may cause them before we do. This only gets more true as time goes on, your life has changed significantly, surely theirs has as well. What impact will your casual hello have on them? It could be wonderful or catastrophic. For all you readers thinking of your lost loves (many of us do from time to time). Think long and hard before contacting them. Was the break up amicable? What were the circumstances? In these cases, maybe you should simply pop into their lives and say hello, check in see whats going on. If the break up was a horrendous, painful explosion, or bitter it is best to leave it on the shelf. Memories come back in a flash, and if they are bad memories, then there is a fairly good chance the reunion will be painful as well. The best approach if you ARE going to contact an old flame is to contact them with a short email identifying yourself and then simply wait. Nothing long or heartfelt, just identify yourself, they know who you are. The ball is and should be in their court and if you haven't heard back after a week or so then there is a good reason for it. You must be able to let sleeping dogs lie. Not all stories end happily ever after, nor should they. |
